out of place

i want to live somewhere that's timeless
where the hours and minutes pass by
without me noticing.
i want to wear the long dresses
and not care
about the hem
getting wet or dirty.
i want to let my hair have a life of its own
a life that i can't, and don't even want to control.
i want tall grasses
that don't need to be mowed
and wildflowers that are just that: WILD.
i want to lay in a field somewhere
and not worry about the bugs and animals that may come
i want to run around barefoot,
because my feet will be
tough enough to handle that
and will thrive in that.
i want to live in a cottage
that may be miles away from the next house
i want my biggest fear to be the
supernatural
in which there lies great power
that frightens and dwarfs me.

i want a place that is
forever timeless and
respectful and
embracing and
loving of all things.

this is how you live in the moment

i want to be
the little girl in this picture on my desk
who's smiling for the show of it,
but who you can tell is having fun just the same.
and after the picture is snapped,
she jumps down from the platform,
and her two pigtails jump with her
as she runs back to the swingset and actually
believes
that if she can
just pump her legs hard enough,
she can fly to the sky

or she can at least swing
upside down and over
the swingset bar.

and she doesn't care why she's doing this
and she doesn't care what will happen next
and she doesn't worry or think about
her place in the universe
or what she'll do with her life
she doesn't even think about school the next day

that is living in the moment.

when i smile for the show of it
i don't have fun like this little girl.
but sometimes
i still believe
that if i kick hard enough
i can
fly
to the sky.

i think i've
forgotten how
to live
in the moment.

worse for better

i realize that this...school...life...everything matters. it is small, and it is insignificant in terms of life, but it still matters. and i can tell myself however much i like that it has no bearing on anything...but that just creates distance...that just allows an escape to give up and let it go without me.

it has to flow
but i have to be immersed in that flow
i have to run down the river with it.
i could stand on the river bank,
in the flowers and trees,
and say,
yes,
this is beautiful and calm and serene,
and this is the way life should be
but there could be more.

i could be in the cool water.
i could let it envelop me
and i could give myself over to it.

it's a different view of the world
maybe not better
though maybe not worse.
just different.

but maybe i will be the better for it.